Tim Allen Dealt Mess Loads of Cocaine, Ratted Out All His Colleagues
Allen was in an airport, minding his own business, looking to get from point A to point B just like everybody else. Unlike anybody else in the airport at the time, however, Allen was trying to take with him a staggering 1.4-pounds of cocaine, which our street connections tell us is enough to get high forever.
He was caught when drug-sniffing dogs at every airport within a 100 mile radius started going berserk, and life imprisonment loomed. He snitched on every single drug dealer he knew, which reduced his sentence to a mere 3 to 7 years, and he was released 28 months later.
Elvis Costello Called James Brown and Ray Charles The N Word
Elvis Costello opened his career by releasing two of the biggest albums in music history, despite looking like a hungover hobo. He was becoming huge in Britain, and Columbia Records saw the potential star power that a young Costello could achieve in America. There was pretty much no way he could fuck it up. But he could sure try his hardest.
By 1979, America was finally warming up to the idea of minorities, even to the point of frowning upon people using racial slurs when referring to them. Elvis Costello, however, was British, which apparently meant he had no fucking idea. While intoxicated at a Holiday Inn bar, he referred to Ray Charles as a “blind, ignorant nigger” and James Brown as a “jive-ass nigger.”
Costello apologized, using the bullshit excuse that he was trying to draw an end to a ridiculous conversation with the most ridiculous statement possible because apparently ridiculous means racist in some parts of Britain. He also decided to participate in a charity event called “Rock Against Racism.”
Charles forgave Costello, stating that “drunken talk isn’t meant to be printed in the paper.” James Brown never responded, presumably because he was too high on cocaine to give a shit.
Johnny Cash Wiped Out an Entire Species (Almost)
Cash was driving his truck through Los Padres National Forest in central California, when a wheel bearing in his truck overheated and set the whole thing ablaze. Cash did what any responsible motorist would do and abandoned his burning vehicle… to go fishing.
The fire spread, and almost an entire square mile of forest burned. More importantly, the fire killed 49 California Condors, which at the time was roughly half of the entire species.
The federal government sued Cash and eventually settled for $82,000 dollars, which is miniscule in comparison to the nearly $30 million that the federal government has spent trying to conserve Condors.
Cash’s defense was that it was all an accident, he didn’t want his truck to burst into flame, after all. The courts felt differently, both because he didn’t seem to think the whole “burning vehicle in the middle of the woods” thing deserved his attention at the time and the fact he remained unapologetic, going so far as to say, “I don’t give a damn about your yellow buzzards.”
Rick James: Music, Crack Pipe Torture Innovator
Being addicted to drugs is standard for pretty much all musicians. Torturing people while on the drugs with drug paraphernalia is a little different though and expressly forbidden in Disney Record contracts. So when Rick James kidnapped music executive Mary Sauger, then beat her for roughly 20 hours, it started a series of what qualifies as dramatic and insane events.
After being paroled for the aforementioned day-long beating, shit got real. Rick James was hanging out with 24-year-old Frances Alley, when he became suspicious that she had stolen drugs from him. Unwilling to part with any of his drugs under any circumstance, James likely snorted toilet cleanser until holding her hostage seemed like a fine course of action.
He tied her up, burnt her with the hot end of a crack pipe, and forced her to service him sexually for six fucking days.